NOW, MORE THAN EVER,
NOT THE NEW ANYONE

I’ll be back to regular posting in another day or two. I’m finishing up a writing a project and I’ve been busy at work, too.

New York was swell and so was the blogging panel. It was good to meet Maud, Sarah, Adam the Technorati mastermind, and Michael Cader the purveyor of Lunch. And it never hurts to have Ron Hogan show up at a lit blogging panel, since he asks good questions and summarizes things better than I ever could, since I spent so much time trying not to be like Cindy Brady in that one episode where she goes on a quiz show and gets mesmerized by the red light.

My friend Michael and I had a drink at the Algonquin, though for some reason I’m compelled to say that we didn’t go there on purpose and we didn’t eat the Dorothy Parker hamburger. And the fact that I can’t think of a witty joke to go with “Dorothy Parker hamburger” feels like a slight personal failure, but oh well.

I also got a little lost on the subway. I remembered that this is not the same thing as this. I guessed a lot and managed to overshoot my destination stop only twice�once in each direction.

I’m a little exhausted now. But it’s a short week, right? Good.

Remember this? It’s been six months since that news segment aired with its vague reference to “experts” who said blogging was “not quite mainstream yet” but to “give it six months.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve been hoping these experts would come out and hold a press conference declaring BLOGGING MAINSTREAM! and open to the public like a big, blathery theme park.)

Sadly, I am not a Local Affiliate Fox News Expert at all, but I will be on this panel on Thursday, along with a couple of my favorite literary bloggers and other esteemed folks, and I have a feeling the discourse is going to be on a somewhat higher level than… well, this.

(It’s open to the public. Stop by if you’re in NYC. I’ll be in town through Saturday night.)

From reading the slush pile at work I can testify that at least one person in the world has come up with an idea for a picture book about how to blow your own nose and someone else has thought up one to explain why Mom has PMS. I don’t quite buy this notion that there ought to be a children’s book for every occasion, issue, fact of life, or philosophy, but all the same I’m kind of tickled that It’s Just a Plant has become fully realized. This is my favorite page:

   ”Marijuana,” smiled her mom, “is a plant.”
   ”What kind of plant?” said Jackie.
   ”Well,” said Mom, “That story might take all night for me to tell you. How about we go on a bicycle ride tomorrow and I’ll tell you all about it? Have you ever looked at a bicycle wheel spinning for like, a really long time, until it looks like it’s not spinning at all, except it is, and maybe that’s how it is with the earth, you know, the planet, because it spins way faster than that but you can’t even tell, right, because it’s really, um, big and stuff, and oh man, wait a second, you know how sometimes you can’t find things in your house, like when you have a sandwich, and you put it down somewhere and you can’t find it again, and yeah, it’s like that. Hey, are you hungry? Isn’t it weird how plants eat but you never see them do it?”

(A lot of typos, though. You’d think some copyeditor would be willing to proofread in exchange for an eighth.)

The you-know-what has an Amazon listing now. I believe this happened in the past week, because I have been just that compulsive enough about checking Amazon. Up until recently, searching on the words I’m Not the New Me brought up the title He’s Just Not That Into You. While this was highly distressing I wonder if this weird little keyword phenomenon has its benefits, and whether my own book might get a little boost by the monstrous popularity of this other book just by way of that Not. Dude, NOT is hot. I bet NOT will be the new legs. I hope to make the most of this mutual Not-ness.

Also, I got a galley copy yesterday and I made sure to see if my name was spelled correctly (it is). I have to say that seeing it for the first time felt a lot like the day they’d hand out the class pictures in grade school and you’d get the envelope and the big 8X10 portrait was right on top. Yep.

In this weblog I don’t tend to link to things related to charitable causes or my job. (One of these is an oversight and the other is in the interest of staying professional.) That said, you all need to know about Robert’s Snow, which is an online auction of wooden snowflakes painted by some of the best children’s book illustrators working today (and I’ve been lucky enough to work with some of them, too). The art is cool and the proceeds go to cancer research. Check it out.

With all this election hoopla I neglected to mention that the book The M Word is out now, and while it doesn’t have the moral values* that an awful lot of people in this country cherish, I still think it’s a damn fine book. Whether you buy it for my essay, or more likely for one of the other authors, or even just so you can methodically tear out and burn a page every day in that nice little passive-aggressive ritual you’ve developed as a result of living a life of righteous abstinence someplace where sex toys are illegal–whatever the case, I hope you enjoy it.

*Is it any surprise that the website “moralvalues.com” is just a default page with no content whatsoever? I hadn’t realized that “Discount Nutrition” was a Moral Value. The American people want to uphold the sanctity of marriage and their cans of Ensure! (What do they put in that stuff anyway? I’m not sure I want to know.)

Oh, and apparently “Family Medical Insurance” is a Moral Value, too. No, really.

1. What? What?!!
2. So they still have to count what–130,000 provisional ballots? But it’s probably more, right? Because you know how those papery things stick together and stuff.
3. Can you get VH1 in Canada? If not, that might be a problem.
4. Moral values?! I got my “moral values” RIGHT HERE, buddy.
5. I bet if I keep clicking “refresh” on CNN.com it’s gonna load the real poll results.
6. Hold me, Jon Stewart.
7. Um, people? Those marriage amendments won’t make gay people disappear, you know.
8. Well, it’s not like sketch comedy impersonations of Kerry were going to be all that funny.
9. IF ONLY THE STINKING RAPTURE WOULD HAPPEN ALREADY. GO AHEAD! LEAVE US BEHIND NOW PLEASE!
10. Will Moral Values still let me drink? Because that might help.
11. I HOPE THE SECRET SERVICE DOESN’T VISIT MY HOUSE.
12. I wonder if I would really choke to death if I swallowed my own tongue.
13. Back to the same old shit.

This morning I voted at my usual polling place: the tiny little VFW Hall on Western Avenue. To get to the voting booths you have to pass through the bar–past the row of stools and the bar counter and the big mirror behind it and the back shelf with all the different bottles, two of each brand. Evidently veterans prefer the brown liquor. They’re not so much into the clear stuff; no sissy gin or Commie vodka for them.

I had time to consider this, of course, since I was waiting in line. The line was much longer than usual and there were more people than I’d ever seen there. I heard the poll judges saying the same thing, and then, all day long, I’ve been hearing about it on the news, too.

So if you find yourself in a long line tonight, please hang in there. Bring a magazine just in case. Play with your cell phone. Try that thing where you can text-message Google and ask it to look up all kinds of stuff. Chew lots of gum. Hang in there.

Today I remembered that people under 30 have never experienced the pleasure of voting George Bush out of office, which is a shame, because voting George Bush out of office is a hell of a lot of fun. Sure, that was 1992, but there’s no reason why voting George Bush out of office shouldn’t continue to amuse, entertain and inspire us the way Baby Got Back still does.

Seriously. If we, the people, have the power to elevate Anna Nicole Smith to fame more than once, then by God we ought to be able to fire George Bush’s ass twice, right? (And I know it’s not the same George Bush, but Jesus Christ, you can barely recognize Anna Nicole these days.) Considering how very important it is to our country to vote George Bush out of office, I’m glad some of us got to do it once before, just for practice. It’s been twelve years, but I like the idea that maybe I have special Vote George Bush Out of Office muscles in my hands that will tingle and come alive as I punch the stylus EXTRA MOTHERFUCKING HARD through the ballot tomorrow. No matter what happens, I’ll be able to feel that.

Twelve years ago I was in college in Iowa City and I got up early before class to vote. The polling place was at Iowa City High School and even though it was nearly a mile from my house and in the opposite direction from campus I walked the whole way, because I was 21 and it was the first presidential election I could vote in. I probably wasn’t thinking so much about voting George Bush out of office as I was about Clinton, and the Equal Rights Amendment, and other things. My jacket wasn’t quite warm enough, and I could see my breath, and I was going through the residential part of town, along side streets where I rarely saw anyone else. It felt quiet and slightly furtive, but it’s how I voted a George Bush out of office. I wouldn’t quite believe it until I sat at the Deadwood with friends and watched the results come in.

The campus Republican kids had rallied to the chant of “Four more years!” but when Bush gave his concession speech on TV, a new chant started up at one of the booths and quickly spread throughout the bar: Two more months! we shouted. Two! More! Months!

I hope it happens again. I hope we get to celebrate. I wonder what kind of music we’ll play. Last time it was diva house. Maybe we could use some now. It’s cheesy, I know, but take my word for it: voting George Bush out of office is a blast. You really should try it.